March Hottness Pedro Bracket

Its time again when 4 mediocre looking guys judge incredibly hot women to try and raise their own self esteem while they clubber down on their looks.... Here is my 2010 March Hotness Bracket

(#1) Coco (Ice-T's Wife) : This chick has been dominating my downtime jacktime for a few months now, she looks like a walking animation from Heavy Metal, the chick is banging. This chick is swollen in all the right spots, keeps up with her fitness and still encourages ugly motherfuckers that if you have money...you can nail anything you want.

(#16) Lindsay Lohan : Oh what a sexy train wreck she has been, I remember when she was in SNL doing the Harry Potter skit and I was all into her but now this chick has dwindled so far as apperaring topless for a 5 second clip trailer for Machete  and 1 second for a Parisian Cologne. Oh skanky Lilo, you are barely in this tourney, you are the #3 reason i no longer look forward for girls to turn of age (1 & 2 are the Olsen Twins)

BLOWOUT VICTORY : Coco Advances

(#8) Andressa Soares (Mulher Melancia): This Brazilian booty beauty has been solid on my playlist. Her Ass looks like something an evil scientist created to distract all heterosexual males and take over the world. Brazil's major export is Soccer, Hot Big Ass Females and Aids. IF you get a chance find any clip you can of her on youtube, sure its in portugese but once she moves that ass it translate into the universal jacking language.

(#9) Vanessa Ferlito : I came across this beauty way back in the Sopranos, then she really got me in the Tarantino snoozefest Deathproof, when she did a lap dance that couldve made that movie tolerable. The fact is im into chicks with Crazy Mouth, she looks like Michelle Rodriguez if Michelle Rodriguez didnt look like a butch dike but a regular respectable lesbian.

Andressa Soares Advances in a buzzer beater, If Ferlito has some sort of a body she couldve been something...get those implants mama.

(#5) Anna Paquin (Sookie) : Oh my how this girl has grown, On season 2 you get to check ouot what Sookie is packing and she is packing a fierce body on her but the goddam Michael Strahan gap tooth thing really makes this 8 look like a 6 when she smiles.

(#12) Snookie (Jersey Shore) : This chick is the perfect representation of Italian-American Upstate New York Whores...I know I dated one chick from the same town as Snookie, as a matter of fact shes a teacher at the same high school Snookie graduated from, not only that she looks almost like Snookie, and no its not Snookie. The Hottests Moment of Snookie wasnt her cartwheel or her constant making out with strangers...it was when Snookie got punched, this chick can take a solid wallop and didnt bruise that fat fuck face of hers.

UPSET Snookie advances past Sookie .... Im sorry im still not over my ex.

(#4) Heidi Montag 2.0 : Ive never seen one episode of the Hills but this annoying bitch as been popping on TMZ for years with her douchebag husband trying to be famous. Then a miracle happened, she got DD's and modified her face to look like something i can tolerate as long as she doesnt speak, she would be the perfect woman if the doctors had the balls to slice her vocal cords but she isas close to perfect we can dream.

(#13) Katy Perry : Your Hot and your Cold, your in and your out, you are the most inconsistant thing ive ever seen. you have pictures where you looks amazing and pics where you looks homely, Then you got engaged to Russell Brand and this ruined anything i liked about you and him. You ruin everything

Heidi Montag 2.0 moves closer to being a real celebrity, Katy Perry piss off!

(#6) Lady Gaga : This chick not only puts out good banging music when your rolling on ecstasy (if you got the hook up let me know) but she is very cute when she performs. Notice i said cute, because she isnt all that attractive  only from behind when her face isnt in the way, but she does entertain me for her Airport fashion sense, my favorite two treebranches coming out of her head an ode to Sonny Bono.

(#11) Ke$ha : tik tok girl, wont stop biting of my girl Lady Gaga. Sorry Epic Fail, i like your look of crazy bitch who doesnt brush her hair, but im pretty sure she has a nappy pussy and it smells like Little Saigon on garbage pick up day. Dont try so hard, good luck next year

Lady Gaga moves past this Clone with ease.

(#3) J Woww (Jersey Shore) : She is by far the hottest thing  on that show, any girl that says "Tits are coming out" as a prelude to a night out is a-ok with me, not only is she hot, she dont give a shit and will scrap with anyone male or female...god damn it i miss New York (the city not the black chick)

(#14) Michelle Bombshell (Bullock killer) : Late entry but when i saw this chick im like she has to go in! She is tattoed all over, even the face (minus!) has a swastika tattoo and white power tattoos (plus!) but the lack of a tattoo featuring jesus riding a dinosaur in a cowboy hat makes this Oscar Winner Homewrecker a  first round flop.

I cant believe im typing this but J-Woww's classiness wins out over Bombshell.

(#7) Kari Ann Peniche : Theres something that attracts me to crazy bitches, specially ones with substance abuse and sexual addiction, also attractive about this chick is how Cunty she can be to people who are trying to help her thru her addiction. There are times I wish Snookie's assailant would make an apperance and punch this twat right in her face, because if she can take a punch...im leaving Lisa.

(#10) Erin Andrews: boo hoo i got videotaped walking naked in my hotel room, boo hoo i want justice, boo hoo? Dancing with the Stars is calling me? boo hoo?? Im now considered a celebrity, oh man this is awesome! boo hoo! fuck you stalker you ruined my life, boo hoo Tuesdays on ABC.

Kari Ann Paniche not only moves on but has a threesome video with the noxema girl, take that below mediocre sideline reporter.

(#2) Casey Anthony : Well, well , well Americans favorite Pro Choice activist has not only maintained her looks while being locked up for almost a year, but continues to look hotter at every court apperance. Heres a girl who is being crucified for performing late term abortion and that my friends in un-american. And this chick is patriotic, anythign but clothes party wrapped around old glory, patriotic. God bless the USA and its justice system.

(#15) Octomom (Nadya Suleman): so you know my formula i like crazy bitches and crazy mouth and this bith fill both criterias, the only problem is that this crazy bitch has 10 kids, Sure Kate Gossling is a little bit softer in the eyes but thats like saying i want you to use a mallet rather than a hammer to crush my dick.

Casey dumps Octomon and her kids in the wooded area of failure without the need of duct tape, chloraform, or her parents cover up.

So thats my first round bracke,t next week we continue with:

(#1)Coco vs (#8)Andressa Soares

(12)Snookie vs (#4) Heidi Montag 2.0

(#6) Lady Gaga vs (#3) J-Woww

(#7) Kari ann Peniche vs (#2) Casey Anthony

PS.

Trying to post pictures but dont know how!

Like Pookie in New Jack City...

ITs been awhile, but a much needed getting away from everything was very much needed. Looking forward to getting together with Ryan and work out the new plan. I think what me and Dan have in mind could be interesting and would definetly fit the format, but we want to make sure that if we do it we abide by the Ryan Rules which I have to agree he is right, "Commitment to Consistency? or Consistantly Commit? or Creatively Consist to Commit?" something with C's but hes right! 

Till then,

Fuck Hypnostist and Fat Bitches who like Cheese Itz.

Mercenary vs Hypnotist, the last email.

So last blog I posted about my exchange with the hypnotist/booker/toll bridge tax collector from nottingham palace. and i figured I will update you in my first of many to come "Bookers I dont give a shit about and how i destroy our business relationship" series. I wished I wouldve kept the email and video footage of Me and David Nickerson obliterating the phenomenal jew of melbourne Larry Silver and his Groucho Rooms which are operated next to a restaurant or a bar or a uhaul shack i dont know they keep moving. But here is the epic conclusion to Mercenary vs Hypnotist .

Comedy Express:

Your right, I'm wrong. Please call the industry and let them know.

thanks, Doug

My Email :

Just got a call back from the "industry" and informed me that they apperantly like to get involved with actual agencies, however they constantly asked me "who???" everytime I mentioned yours, not saying they are interested but they also asked where the hell is Lakeland.

Mercenary vs Hypnotist

Heres a recent email back and forth I had with Doug the Hypnotist. Doug the Hypnotist books room under his agency "Comedy Express" featuring exotic locations like Lakeland Florida, North and South DAKOTA and 2 nights somewhere in Minnessotta, I know WOW! and when I first started I got the pleasure to get an emergency booking, thats when a feature cancels and they scramble for a last minute replacement and boom im in. So I performed at this bar called Winner Circle in Lakeland Fla. which by far had the best wings ive ever EVER had and made friends with the owner and his son and so on and so forth. 2 1/2 years later I get an email from TJ hitting me up if I would like to do a show at their new location, I took the gig not only for the pay but they are great people, i always have a good time and like I said the wings are AMAZING. Then I receive an Email from The Hypnotist and below is the little banter that pretty much will not allow me to perform any time soon in North and South DAKOTA and 2 nights somewhere in Minnessotta, and whatever fucking midwest pool hall room he has.

Hey Pedro,

I see that you are working our venue in  . Wanted to know how you were booked into a room that we put you into originally without going through us., FLLakeland

Please e-mail and let me know what is going on,

Doug

TJ  (the owner of the bar) contacted me, asked me and I took it.
 

Hey Pedro,

You know that all bookings are to go back through the agency who sent you to a client in the first place. That is an industry wide standard. Please let me know what you intend to do in order to resolve this situation.

Thanks,

Doug

I dont understand what situation I have to resolve with you Doug? please be more specific because this email came thru like an idle threat? Do we have a contract? I havent worked for you in almost 2 1/2 years, so please give me any suggestions as of how you expect this to be resolved?

Thanks,

Pedro

Hey Pedro,

As you are fully aware, being in this business as long as you have, it is standard industry and proper protocol to use the agent who booked you initially for any repeat, subsequent, direct or indirect work as a result of any gig booked by that agent. This is an industry standard! No question!!!

I'm not sure what you were told by Winners Circle, but I can guarantee that they had no idea who you were until I booked you in their old location. You know it, I know it, and they know it. So any booking for them must go through us. 

I do need to know your future intentions with this client so that I can make a practical business decision on whether or not to continue working you.  

Please feel free to e-mail or call and I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you have.

This would be a more entertaining conversation if you actually work me Doug, but since you dont I see this just like a hissy fit over not being able to make money off me, NO QUESTION!!! (hahaaa, really 3 exclamation points?). The point that I worked for you 2 1/2 years ago doesnt establish any form of obligation to you or your "agency". I became friends with the Alcocks back then and it just happened that they offered me a gig I took it. I had no idea you still had a room in florida since  i have no heard from you until just now. Therefore, Im sure you can tell what my intentions will be in the future since thats how much your agency has helped me.

In all honesty im just entertaining these emails because theres really nothing on TV right now.

Hope you enjoyed it, ill keep updates on this if anything else develops.

Death of Autotune (Adios 5th base)

Ok so first of all I want to first apologize to Ryan for trying to be a smart ass and trying to make my guys laugh by playing "Straight Out of Compton" (our inside running gag when a joke bombs) while Michael Nelson was doing his bit. It was rude of me to blast the music while he was trying to pimp Michaelnelsoncomedy.com, there was no need for that and I apologize to him and Ryan. If you guys feel disrespected again im sorry was just being the destructive asshole to entertain myself and the guys. I think Ryan owes us an apology for Greg Barris but again if it comes or not its fine with me anyways.

I want to thank everyone from Todd, Mikey, Jason GSP, The UK peeps who listen to us on fridays, and whoever stumbled across thank you for listening. Thanks to everyone who participated, ken miller, dave nickerson, katie hughes, ian gutoskie, ricky reyes, carmen morales, steve hanson the other hanson brother, and whoever i forgot sorry im typing this as fast so that i may not lose what i want to say.

Thank you first and foremost with Ryan, you have an amazing complex and maybe this wasnt the vessel or the time but I hope we can work together in the future and make this happen. I would still like to be involved on The Channel Project. I think me and dan have some ideas we would like to do using the site so if that is cool with you, for now thats maybe the best way to continue while we figure something.

There are many reasons the show had to end, none was because of the chemistry between the 4 of us, but for me it was Time. Not enough Time to satisfy many things, and priorities where out of whack. Lets see what happens in the future, and hopefully see you @ a comedy show.

Follow me on Twitter.com/PedroLimaComedy same as Facebook.com/PedroLimaComedy , you can find Dan and Tom there also. and we will see you hopefully sooner than later.

October 23-24 Bonkerz @ Waterford Lakes. The Pedro Lima Birthday Special Comedy Show. Hit me up if you need tix

Till Then...

"Put'm in a body bag yeaaaaaah!"